Choosing to Keep Your Distance [Where Atmosphere Takes Shape, Part 5]

A continuation of the previous article.

This series began as a set of research notes prompted by a question: Why does the atmosphere vary so much from one store to another—mainly supermarkets, other retailers, and restaurants?

Last time, I explored the possibility that stores, workplaces, and parts of society are kept running because someone reads the situation, anticipates what is needed, and quietly acts.

There is still much more I would like to understand. But no matter how long I think about society, I cannot change its entire structure as an individual. Nor can I spend all my time worrying about society.

Behind my original question—“Why does the atmosphere vary so much from one store to another?”—was a personal feeling: “I dislike certain kinds of atmosphere, and if possible, I would like to live without having to be in them.”

With a store, it is relatively easy to choose not to go. But this feeling is not limited to stores. In many other parts of society, choosing whether or not to be involved is much harder.

If either extreme is difficult, the compromise is to keep a reasonable distance. But “keeping your distance” does not have to mean quitting your job, ending a relationship, or withdrawing from society. Are there lighter ways to do it?

How can we engage with this structure without being worn down?
Can choosing not to engage also be an option?
Is keeping your distance an act of escape, or a strategy?

Research Note 1: “This Is Hard” Is Not a Judgment of Your Ability

When a particular setting feels difficult, it is easy to treat that setting as the standard and think, “Maybe I am not capable enough,” or “Everyone else seems to manage just fine.”

But even for the same person, the burden changes when the setting changes.

You may function well where expectations are clear, yet spend all day guessing what someone means when instructions are vague. You may enjoy shopping in a quiet store, yet feel exhausted before choosing anything in a store crowded with sounds, images, words, and people in motion.

In this way, how the same person feels while doing the same thing changes with the environment around them. The idea of person–environment fit in research on work stress looks at the match between what a person can do and needs, and what an environment demands and provides. A mismatch between the two is thought to make strain more likely.^[1]

You might still think that if you are simply more sensitive to begin with, changing places will make no difference.

The familiar explanation is that people with highly sensitive systems—often described as HSPs—are easily overwhelmed even in places considered ordinary by most people. It is easy to understand, but it offers little hope. Such traits may be difficult to change substantially later in life. Research on sensory processing sensitivity, however, has also suggested a possible advantage: people strongly affected by adverse environments may likewise benefit more from supportive environments—that is, environments they themselves experience as positive.^[2]

Perhaps that sounds like wishful thinking or mere wordplay. Still, “I struggle here” is not a verdict that says, “I am a defective person who cannot live a normal life.” At the very least, it is information telling us that something about the current combination of person and environment is placing too much strain on us.

Research Note 2: Distance Is Not All or Nothing

If the only responses to an unsuitable environment are “endure it and stay” or “leave completely,” most of us will usually choose endurance. Jobs and relationships are not always things we can immediately walk away from.

There are many possible compromises in how we respond. Rather than thinking only about leaving the place itself, we can break distance down into several elements:

• Spend less time there
• Reduce how often you are involved
• Narrow the role you agree to take on
• Respond later in writing instead of answering on the spot
• Decide in advance what conditions would make you leave

Never returning to a store you dislike may have little effect on your daily life. Even if you cannot quit your job right away, you may be able to attend fewer optional gatherings, ask for verbal requests to be put in writing, or stop taking on the unofficial role of coordinating everything every time. Easier said than done, of course—but not necessarily impossible.

Changes like these can do more than help us endure unpleasant feelings once they arise. They can make intense feelings less likely to arise in the first place. We can intervene not only after an emotion appears, but before it is generated.^[3] For example, we might decide not to attend an optional gathering where our presence is hardly necessary (situation selection). Or we might attend, but ask for the agenda in advance or choose a seat near the exit (situation modification).

Sometimes avoiding or leaving must come before any small adjustment. Yet continued avoidance can also gradually shrink the range of things we feel able to do. What matters is whether keeping our distance increases or decreases the options available in our lives. If stepping away lets us recover and return when circumstances allow, it is an adjustment, not a retreat. But if greater distance only makes the situation more frightening until we feel we can never approach it again, we may need to consider another method.

Distance is not zero or one hundred. It can be adjusted like turning a dial. Before cutting the power entirely, it may be worth seeing whether we can turn down the volume.

Research Note 3: Suggest Asynchronous Communication

I am not very good at interactions that demand an immediate response.

In a meeting, I pay attention not only to what is being said, but also to who seems eager to speak, what an ambiguous decision actually means, and whether a particular comment has upset anyone. The conversation moves to the next subject while I am still thinking. Only after the meeting ends do I finally work out what I wanted to say. Even when I do speak, arriving at a different conclusion afterward is an everyday occurrence.

With written, asynchronous communication such as email, I have time to think after receiving a message. I can read it again. I can rewrite my reply. There is also a record of what was decided.

One theory of communication media proposes that different levels of synchronicity suit two different processes: thinking individually about information, such as reviewing materials in advance, and aligning interpretations or reaching a shared conclusion, such as discussing something face to face. More asynchronous media, which allow information to be reviewed and edited, can help when receiving and considering complex information. More synchronous media, which allow rapid back-and-forth exchanges, can help when people need to arrive at a shared interpretation.^[4]

Sometimes a few minutes of conversation is quicker than moving a task forward through repeated written exchanges. Some people become anxious during stretches without a response—the equivalent of being left on read—or exhaust themselves by reading too much into the smallest choice of wording. We cannot simply say that everyone who struggles to respond in the moment should switch to asynchronous communication. Still, I know that I am better suited to interactions that leave room to think both before and afterward.

Instead of enduring phone calls because “that is just how things are done here,” it can be worth asking whether email or another method is possible. People may be more receptive than expected. Even then, no amount of rereading and rewriting can prevent every message we later regret. Perhaps surviving society requires inner strength before it requires asynchronous communication. But if I had that kind of strength, I probably would not be worrying about any of this.

Research Note 4: Make the Criteria for Evaluation Visible

In environments that depend heavily on reading the room, it is unclear what a person must do to be valued.

It may not be enough to finish the work you were assigned. You help someone who looks busy. You match the mood of the group. You speak and act in ways your manager will like. Such behavior may be praised as “thoughtful” or “attentive,” but there is no point at which you can be sure you have done enough.

We cannot remove other people entirely from our work. Producing the required output does not mean that any attitude or behavior is acceptable. Even so, we can move the center of evaluation closer to things that are visible. What will be delivered? By when? What counts as complete? If something changes, who makes the decision?

An analysis of role ambiguity and job performance found that unclear expectations were negatively related to performance. What is expected differs by occupation and method of evaluation, so clarity alone will not improve every outcome. It may still help reduce how much people are required to infer.^[5]

Shifting evaluation toward results helps keep a person's entire character from being under constant review. If I spent all day grading whether I had managed to seem pleasant enough, the postmortem would continue until bedtime. It might continue even after I fell asleep.

Research Note 5: Use the Ability to “Read” for Yourself Too

We tend to imagine that the ability to read a situation is something used for other people. We change the subject before conflict begins. We supply what is missing. We take on what no one else will do. If harmony is restored, we have succeeded.

But we do not always have to use that ability to preserve the situation.

“This job probably involves more coordination than the written description suggests.”
“This person will keep making the same request even after I say no.”
“If I spend two hours here, I will have no energy left when I get home.”

We can also use what we notice to decide early whether to approach, change the conditions, or leave.

Job crafting is the idea that workers themselves reshape aspects of their tasks, relationships, or understanding of their work.^[6] The scope for change differs by position and occupation, so we cannot reshape everything exactly as we please. Still, the idea offers something useful: rather than fitting ourselves to whatever environment we are given, we can remake the way we engage with it so that the relationship becomes sustainable.

Trying to lighten the mood is exhausting when it feels like “work I have to do.” If I do the same thing simply because I want this to be an enjoyable place, it feels different.

It can be hard even for us to tell where voluntary action ends and obligation begins. But perhaps that is exactly where we should direct our ability to “read.”

Research Note 6: Build an Escape Route Before You Need to Escape

Choosing to keep your distance becomes possible only when there is somewhere else you can choose. If your income, sense of belonging, and recognition all depend on one place, the cost of leaving may be too great, however painful that place becomes.

But telling someone to “create three sources of income” would be cruel. Maintaining even one is hard enough. Expanding the parts of society we engage with and maintaining several relationships also creates more messages to answer and more people to consider.

An escape route does not have to mean such a grand system of backups. It might be a conversation with someone unconnected to work. A store or place where you feel calm. Enough slack in your life to do nothing for a few days. Knowing that you have abilities you could use outside your present job. None will transform your life overnight, but each can remind you that your current place is not the whole world.

An escape route is useful not only because it allows us to leave where we are. It also gives us room to redirect the energy we had been spending there.

One study examined two tendencies people may show when facing a goal that has become difficult to attain: whether they can reduce their effort and attachment to that goal, and whether they can find an alternative goal and redirect their energy toward it.^[7]

Across three studies involving university students, younger and older adults, and parents of children with illness, disengaging from unattainable goals and reengaging with other goals were associated with aspects of subjective well-being, including lower stress and a stronger sense of purpose in life. The study alone cannot tell us whether adjusting our goals improves well-being or whether people with higher well-being are better able to adjust their goals. Either way, continuing should not be treated as the only correct answer. It also matters to retain the option of directing the energy we release toward something else.

Seen this way, an escape route is not simply a way to abandon where we are. It can also be a foothold from which we seek another connection and gradually shift our energy toward it.

The phrase “escape route” may carry a sense of shame. But a building does not wait until a fire begins and then punch an emergency exit through the wall. Knowing the exit is there is part of what lets us remain inside with some peace of mind. Rather than searching for somewhere to go only after reaching our limit, it seems better to make even a small preparation while we can still move.

Aside: Discomfort Is a Warning System

When we consider keeping our distance, doubts arise: “Am I just too sensitive?” or “Am I the problem because I cannot adapt?”

Conversely, once we decide that an environment is wrong, everything that happens can begin to look like the environment's fault.

Our first sense of discomfort cannot determine who or what is to blame. Discomfort is not a verdict. It is an alert telling us something about the situation. We do not have to ignore the alert until we break, but neither must we throw everything away the moment it sounds.

Does the same thing keep happening? Do you recover when you leave the place? Is the problem limited to a particular person or time of day? Does it ease when you change your role or method of communication? Is it stronger only on days when you are sleep-deprived or unwell? Keeping a record of questions like these can break large conclusions such as “I am weak” or “That place is bad” into smaller parts we can respond to.

We can identify what we reacted to, then consider how much we can change ourselves and how much we can change the environment. If we leave as a result, it is not an impulsive escape but a choice made after investigation.

That said, if a situation is genuinely dangerous, I think it is better to stop analyzing every detail and get away as soon as possible.

What I Have Learned So Far

Keeping our distance does not mean rejecting society as a whole or retreating to the mountains and never seeing another person.

It means adjusting how long we stay, how often we engage, what roles we accept, how we communicate, and how we are evaluated. The right adjustment depends on the person and the environment. Some find asynchronous communication easier; others find it easier to talk face to face. Some relax in quiet places; others become tense when a place is too quiet.

Even if we do not yet know our ideal distance, forcing ourselves to fit wherever we happen to be is not the only option. We can change our points of contact with a place so that we can continue, while gradually looking for other ways to engage.

I never expected a question about the atmosphere of stores to lead me here.

A few months ago, I became unemployed. After thinking through various possibilities, the sheer comfort of not having a job eventually allowed the “I simply do not want to work” side of me to win. I decided to try working for myself for a while.

Rather than taking on a large volume of contract work, I am aiming for work that lets me engage less with society and connect with people only when necessary, through things I make myself. (No, I was not thinking about it in those terms when I started...)

Looking back, it seems that this was the result of turning my own distance dial. Perhaps it was an unconscious act of self-preservation.

I still do not know whether this choice will work. Reducing my points of contact with society also reduces my income and opportunities. Working independently creates a different set of anxieties from being employed by a company. To be honest, this is hard in its own way.

I have wandered from the subject, but perhaps keeping our distance is not about moving in one leap to some perfectly correct place. It is about reclaiming enough room to be ourselves.

Next Time

By now, I have made a full circuit: from places, to structures, to society, and finally to the individual.

Since the original question was personal, perhaps it was inevitable that I would eventually return to my own life.

I considered ending the series here before this became more than a digression. But having come this far, I would like to look a little further ahead—at least in terms of my own future.

Adjusting our distance from society may reduce the wear on us. But what should we do with the energy that frees up, and what kind of work can we continue doing? Moving to the front, asserting ourselves forcefully, and constantly putting ourselves on display cannot be the only ways to survive.

Next time, I will look at how quiet people might survive in this society.

In This Series

#01 | Where Does a Store's Atmosphere Come From?

#02 | Why Locations of the Same Chain Can Feel So Different

#02.5 | Why Do Stores with Too Many Warning Signs Feel So Disorderly?

#03 | How Much of a Store's Atmosphere Can Be Designed?

#04 | Society Assumes People Can “Read the Room”

#05 | Choosing to Keep Your Distance ← You are here

#06 | How Quiet People Survive

Notes